I Keep Dancing!

Mountain Top

     Solo was the name of the singles group I was attending.  I had never really liked ‘single’ groups.  It just had a negative connotation for me; poor girl, she is single, can’t she find someone that would have her.  Why isn’t she married?  I felt it labeled me and I don’t like labels.  I was learning more and more who I was and the last thing I wanted was to be put in some kind of box and be expected to act that way.

     But I found such a nice group of people in Solo and we all seem to be on a journey with God; different places for sure, but we shared a common bond – being single.  I was drawn toward them.  I made some close friends there that I am still friends with today; truly a gift.

 

     There are 2 things that stand out to me about being part of this group and it all centered on this particular time called “Mountain Top”.  One Thursday night the leader started talking about an opportunity; at first I was unsure, he talked about serving.  Maybe you cannot understand why I found this a bit weird, but I had always had so many problems of my own; I didn’t have time to think about other people; their problems, their situations, their lives.  What did he mean?  I listened closely.

 

     Every year Solo was involved with a mission group called Mountain Top and participated in a trip into the Appalachian Mountains to build homes for people who could not afford them.  What?  People in the United States didn’t have homes?  It was hard to believe.  I became very interested in this trip.  I started reading about what Jesus had to say about serving.  I didn’t understand, but I had this excitement and stirring deep within me.  How could I get excited over building a house, I certainly didn’t know how and why would I spend my time doing this?  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

 

     Several of the others started talking about the trip.  I asked them how they felt about it all.  They were not sure, but had an interest.  The leader planned a special meeting for all those who were interested.  I couldn’t wait to show up.

 

     I went on a Saturday afternoon and didn’t know any of the people.  I sat down, watched and waited.  The trip was explained, all the logistics and then we were asked who wanted to drive.  Well I didn’t, it was all so new to me, and I just wanted to take it all in.  One young woman offered to drive and then pointed at me and said, “I want her to ride with me.”  Let’s just say this was one of those friends I still have today.

 

     That was one of the most amazing things about this trip; I didn’t know anyone when we started, but I became so close with everyone on the trip.  It was conducive to a special bond, working with people to help someone else; a closeness that is hard to describe in words.

 

     This one man brought his tools for us to use.  Now as I said, I knew absolutely nothing about building a house, but there were a few carpenters, builders and painters with us and they were going to teach us how.  I was assigned to work with this man and all of his tools.  He had just bought a new electric saw to use for the trip.  We were building a house for a young woman, 2 years younger than me that had been living in her car for a couple of years.  She used the cigarette lighter for electricity.  Now this had been very difficult for me to comprehend.  She looked just fine, her name was Francis and I would never have thought she was living in a car.  She had lost her job, couldn’t find work and had no place to live.

 

     I was told that I would put on the roof.  What?  I was not afraid of heights, but had no idea how to lay a roof.  Since there had to be much done before the house was ready for the roof, I helped with errands; running here and there, doing mostly what I was told.  One morning the man with all the tools showed me how to use his electric saw; well he thought he did.  I watched, listened and thought I understood.  About an hour later he was up on the side of the house and asked if I would cut him a 2 by 4.  I hesitated a moment, but thought; I can do this.  I went over and guess what?  I did it.  Oh I felt very good about myself, took the 2 by 4 over to this gentleman and asked what was next.  He told me he needed another one.  I went to comply.

 

     OK, do you understand the word cocky?  Well I think I got a little cocky.  I went to cut the 2 by 4, turned to put the wood down on the ground and cut the cord completely.  Yes I did.  It happened all so fast.  I really didn’t know what I had done, but everything went quiet; the saw stopped working.  The man on the house looked down at me, then at the saw and back at me.  I became so afraid.  I just knew he was going to be mad, scream at me and I was not sure what else.  As he came toward me, I believe I was literally shaking.  Later he told me I had tears running down my cheeks, I don’t remember.  He put his arm around me and said, “Don’t be so upset, it could have happen to anyone.”

     Work was delayed for the next couple of hours.  I was pretty shaken up and wasn’t sure why.  This man showed me forgiveness and I know now it reflected the heart of Father God.  I made a mistake, I didn’t do it on purpose, but I always felt that I couldn’t make a mistake.  I had to be perfect all the time.  Now who can be perfect all the time; unrealistic expectation, right?  Hard to live up to, but I had always tried and got very upset with myself when I messed up.  I guess I learned that somewhere early in my life, but God was showing a new way, His way, His character.

     I still remember that man, what happened and the truth I learned.  It was a life changing moment for me.  I still have a hard time giving myself grace, but when I see how the God of this universe gave me grace; I am humbled.

     One evening while walking around thinking about this incidence, I ran into Francis.  She was standing looking at the little house that was going to be hers.  I stood beside her and looked also.  She turned and smiled at me.  Finally she said, I have never had a floor before.  I thought I had misunderstood and asked for her to repeat what she said.  She said when I was growing up my family didn’t have very much money.  She had lived in a small house and it didn’t have a floor, but her mom always swept it everyday and tried to keep it clean.  I just stared at her.  She went on to say, I can’t believe I am going to have a floor.

     There was a bit more to be done before the floor would be completed.  I told Francis that the next evening the floor should be finished and let’s meet at this same time and dance on the floor.  She laughed and said I would love to do that and she repeated I can’t believe I am going to live with a floor.

 

     The next day we continued to build the house.  I had such overwhelming feelings that were hard to describe and I had never had them before.  That evening around the same time as the night before, Francis and I met at the house and dance on her floor.  It was amazing under the moon light, singing and dancing like a child.  Francis was so happy and I had never known such a happy feeling seeing someone else this happy. 

     We were dancing, singing and laughing so loudly, we did not hear the rest of the crew come up.  They watched us for while, but shortly joined us.  We had such a good time; what was drawing us together like this?  I believe it was the Spirit of God, His love, grace and just the feelings that come when you reach out beyond yourself and help someone else.  This serving thing….I was going to have to look into it a bit more.  I liked the way it made me feel inside.  I didn’t care that I had paid for the trip, lived in a place that had no mirror, no bathroom; this was different for me.  I had always cared about these things. 

     Little did I know that was when God may have put the spark in my heart for missions; looking out into God’s world, seeing what was happening, what was going on; seeing people, cultures and nations and wanting to be part of what He was doing. 

     I came home from that trip changed; I was a different person.  About 8 years after this, I went on the mission field in Eastern Europe.  I wrote Francis and told her what I was doing.  She sent me 5.00 dollars a month for financial support for 3 years.  This woman that lived in a car, never lived where there was a floor…..reached out to me.  She had gotten a job shortly after we finished her house at a library.  She wrote to me often and said she would never forget dancing on her floor under the moon.  I would not forget either. 

     I also never forgot the man that showed me God’s love and forgiveness; and let me know it was OK to make a mistake; I was human.  This trip had truly been a mountain top experience!

     I stayed in the singles group for another year.  God used it in my life.  It was hard to leave, but our journey with God takes us in and out of experiences.  He brings people in and out of our lives.  Not holding on is hard, but the only way we continue to learn is to trust Him.  God was about to take me through another life changing experience; another mountain top experience.  Are you ready to go with me?  Let’s go!   

    

     

Community

Community

     

This man and I stopped seeing each other.  I don’t really even remember what happened between us.  I believe he just lost all interest and started seeing someone else.  It had happened to me again; I was replaced by another woman.  What was wrong with me?  Was I not pretty enough?  Was I too fat, after all I was about 5 pounds overweight?  I had always struggle with these 5 pounds.  Is that what was wrong with me?

     I kept going over and over these things in my head.  I just didn’t know what to do or where to turn.  I had not been to church in years, since my husband and I had separated.  The church we were going to had told me I needed to just do what made my husband happy.  It just didn’t sound right to me.  They didn’t have any answers for me when I needed them the most.

 

     Remember I met Betty Ann and she was the one who taught me about Jesus….so I really didn’t see a need to go to church.  I remember after I learned about forgiveness from Betty Ann I went back to the pastor to tell him about it.  He listened to my story and then he looked at me with such a pain on his face.  I will always remember his words.  He said, “Teresa I do not understand what you are talking about.  I believe you are telling the truth, but I just don’t get it.  I could never forgive my wife, if she had done to me what your husband did to you.”  I walked out of the church and had not step back into one.

 

     But now I felt the need to be with other people who believed in God and believed that He made a difference in our lives.  I needed to be with people that believed God was alive today, just like that Scripture said on the plaque behind the pastor’s head…..Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.  I didn’t know anyone like that right now.  I had not seen Betty Ann in a long time.  She lived in another state.  I had been so involved with this man, but I needed more.  If there was one thing I knew, I knew that.

     The Airline had opened a new Base close to where I grew up.  Was it time to move back closer to home?  My family did not know God, so I knew the answer was not with them at that time, but maybe to be closer would be nice.  I asked if I could be transferred.  There was no problem.  I moved back South.  I bought a house and everything was Ok, but oh I knew I needed to talk with people about Jesus….where were they?

     I decided I would try to find a church again, but I really had no hope I would.  Every Sunday I went to a different church.  One Sunday morning, I walked into this one church that looked like a gym.  I thought what is this, where do I go?  I stepped inside the door and just stopped.  I couldn’t see a seat; there were people everywhere.  I stood there, looked around and finally saw the pastor standing up front on some kind of stage.  I started listening to what he was saying.

     He was talking about absolute truth.  I couldn’t move.  He was talking about the things I had thought somewhere way back in my mind might be true, but I needed to hear some kind of confirmation.  This man was speaking to me.

 

     In the airline, I had seen people just do what was right in their own eyes.  Everyone thought they knew truth and was never shy about giving their opinions.  I didn’t understand that thinking.  Didn’t there have to be a Creator, someone who knew how things worked the best?  Didn’t there have to be something for me to grab a hold of out there?  Otherwise it was just a very slippery slope.  This man was saying there was.  I was in the right place.  I had found the church I was looking for.

     It was hard to get involved in the church because of my schedule, but I would go every chance I could.  I was learning and hearing about God.  I met some people my age and they invited me to this singles group downtown.  It was not part of the church, but many people went there and they were all Christians.  I thought OK, let me try this.

     I met a group of single adults my age.  I didn’t travel as much as I did before, because I loved getting home and hanging out with these people; I guess they grounded me.  Most of the people I flew with in the airline were not Christians and that was fine, but I just needed to hear more about God.

     God had answered yet another prayer; I was going to church that was teaching me about Jesus, that believed He was real today and made a difference in our lives.  I had found a group of people my age, we had much in common and they all loved Jesus.  I was so grateful.

 

     God was laying the foundation.  I didn’t know it at the time, but He had much to show me about relationships and the place He was going to start was with me.  He needed to show me who I was by showing me who He was and what He had done for me.  I knew from that time when I saw the old wooden cross on the tree that there was a purpose for me in this life, but I never really knew what that was.  God would show me….in His way and His timing.

  

God Story - Number 7

Number 7

     I was 30 years old and I knew it was time to remarry.  I wanted to have children, didn’t I?  I moved from Washington DC to Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  In DC, I had lived in the big city, riding the metro, walking downtown and eating out at elegant restaurants; visiting museums, going to theater and attending parties.  In Lancaster, I moved onto an Amish farm out in the boonies.  My home was an apartment on a 20 acre Amish farm.  I had electricity, but they didn’t.  There were cows, chickens and goats.  The Amish worked from sun-up till sun down in the fields plowing with horses.

 

     Why did I do this?  Well the Airline was closing down the base in Washington DC.  I had lived in the big city, now I wanted to live in the country.  I wasn’t ready to move back to where I was from.  I still wanted to explore, see the world, but I really thought it was time to get married again if I ever was going to.  After all 30 is getting old, right?

     I had to drive down to Baltimore, Maryland which was about an hour and a half.  I didn’t know anyone in Lancaster; my friends thought I was crazy and would not come all the way up to visit me.  Maybe I was crazy a little.  I decided the best way to meet people was to join a gym.  Years later I thought why didn’t I try and find a church?  I think I might have been taking God for granted a little bit.  I know one thing; I wasn’t thinking about Him that much.

     I joined a gym that was near to where I lived.  I enjoyed lifting weights.  I had done this in the town where I was from before I became a flight attendant.  On my days off, I would go to the gym everyday.  I was hoping to meet people.  I did meet some guys and girls, and after working out, I went to coffee with them.  They actually worked with a local airline out of the city of Lancaster.  They were pilots and flight attendants.  I was not very excited about this, because I had come to see that life with the airline personnel was very transit.  They would come, go and often life with them was kind of like a fairy tale; being in different cities, staying in a different hotel every night and able to do what you wanted to do, gave way to being dishonest at times.  I worked with lots of people that did not live by Biblical principles.  I was not always sure what to do with this.

     But I didn’t know anyone, I deserved friends, right?  I remember one night standing in my apartment at the stove.  My friends were coming by to get me and we were going out.  This was the first time I was going out with them other than after the gym.  I didn’t have a good feeling about it.  I had been walking around the apartment having a conversation with myself and God….explaining why I should go out with these people.  It went along the lines of needing friends, it wasn’t good for me to be by myself all the time, I was lonely….oh I could go on and on.

 

     As I was standing at the stove, cleaning the top of it (this is something I do when I am a bit anxious), I heard that voice deep in my soul……the one I come to recognize.  It said don’t go with this group.  Oh I knew it was God, but He was not saying what I wanted to hear.  I heard them drive up, blow the horn….I stood there hesitating and I remember saying, “God I really want to go.”  I left the rag I was cleaning with, turned around and ran out the door.

     Have you ever done something and know you should not have done it?  I jumped in the car that night; there was a new person, who was that……I started laughing with them as we drove down the road.  It was like I left God on the back burner of that stove.  It was all a huge mistake.  God doesn’t tell us something just to give us a hard time.  He knows what is best for us.  He loves us and wants good things for us.   I should have listened to God.  If there is ever anything in my life I regret, this was it.  I just said no to God or I just thought it would be ok for right now and I would come back to Him later. 

     Life doesn’t work like that.  I laughed that night.  I talked and talked to this new guy in the car.  He was a pilot.  I really didn’t want to go out with a pilot.  I had seen some things the pilots did, some bad decisions they made in their personal life when they were away from their families.  I really knew the whole thing was wrong, but I DID IT ANYWAY.  Why do we do that?

     I did not understand at that time, that trusting God completely, in every area of life was the best for me.  You see, as I said earlier, I wanted to get married again.  I wanted to settle down again, have that family, the little house with the white picket fence and 2 car garage. I wanted to have children, well one at least.

     Relationships!  I didn’t understand them and I was about to fall right back into the only way I knew to deal with them; pleasing at all cost, having an unhealthy dependency on them, looking at people (especially a man) to tell me that I was OK.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I look to relationships (especially men) to tell me I was loved, accepted and valued.  Remember earlier when I said I looked to my husband to meet my needs in ways that only God could?  Well that is all I knew……I was about to look to another man to meet my needs, but God was going to show me a different way….a different path.

     The young man in the car that night was a bit younger than me and he made me laugh.  When our evening was finished, he asked if he could see me again.  I said yes.  Before long we were seeing each other every day and it didn’t take me long to see he only wanted to have a good time.  He was not interested in any committed relationship, much less marriage.  I remember having that pain wrenching feeling inside my chest again.  It was similar to when my husband had left me and didn’t want to be married to me any longer.

 

     What was it?  Rejection?  I didn’t know, but I wanted to make it feel better and I tried the only way I knew; trying to make him accept me, to like me better, to think I was good enough for him.  Oh I hated the feelings; I hated that pain in my chest, so I would try harder.  I knew how to do that.  I had done it before and I could do it again…over and over….harder and harder.

     There were so many times this man humiliated me, left me standing at parties while he flirted and laughed with other women.  Did I tell him to stop?  Did I leave him?  No, what would I do?  You guessed it; I would try harder to make him like me.  Did God create us to be doormats?  No!  He created us to speak truth in love…why didn’t I tell him to stop or I would set boundaries?

     I guess I didn’t know how.  You see I was too wrapped up in trying to get this person’s approval, because that would say to me I was OK; I mattered.  OR I thought it would. 

     I continued to see this man for almost 2 years.  I was almost destroyed by this time.  I remembered those words standing at the stove….don’t go Teresa.  Oh I wished I had listened.  All the wonderful years I had had exploring, seeing the world, traveling and learning more about myself and the world God created; all the things God had taught me.  I had not been interested in meeting someone, I was just having fun and I felt like it had been a gift from God.

 

     I was 30 though and thought it was time to settle down because I was getting older; but the same problems arose again with relationships.  God what was wrong with me?  I kept asking Him this question.  I saw myself repeating patterns over and over that were not working; I knew something was not right and I needed God to show me truth.

     I was about to start down another path, a different one…….I had much to learn.