God Story - Number 7

Number 7

     I was 30 years old and I knew it was time to remarry.  I wanted to have children, didn’t I?  I moved from Washington DC to Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  In DC, I had lived in the big city, riding the metro, walking downtown and eating out at elegant restaurants; visiting museums, going to theater and attending parties.  In Lancaster, I moved onto an Amish farm out in the boonies.  My home was an apartment on a 20 acre Amish farm.  I had electricity, but they didn’t.  There were cows, chickens and goats.  The Amish worked from sun-up till sun down in the fields plowing with horses.

 

     Why did I do this?  Well the Airline was closing down the base in Washington DC.  I had lived in the big city, now I wanted to live in the country.  I wasn’t ready to move back to where I was from.  I still wanted to explore, see the world, but I really thought it was time to get married again if I ever was going to.  After all 30 is getting old, right?

     I had to drive down to Baltimore, Maryland which was about an hour and a half.  I didn’t know anyone in Lancaster; my friends thought I was crazy and would not come all the way up to visit me.  Maybe I was crazy a little.  I decided the best way to meet people was to join a gym.  Years later I thought why didn’t I try and find a church?  I think I might have been taking God for granted a little bit.  I know one thing; I wasn’t thinking about Him that much.

     I joined a gym that was near to where I lived.  I enjoyed lifting weights.  I had done this in the town where I was from before I became a flight attendant.  On my days off, I would go to the gym everyday.  I was hoping to meet people.  I did meet some guys and girls, and after working out, I went to coffee with them.  They actually worked with a local airline out of the city of Lancaster.  They were pilots and flight attendants.  I was not very excited about this, because I had come to see that life with the airline personnel was very transit.  They would come, go and often life with them was kind of like a fairy tale; being in different cities, staying in a different hotel every night and able to do what you wanted to do, gave way to being dishonest at times.  I worked with lots of people that did not live by Biblical principles.  I was not always sure what to do with this.

     But I didn’t know anyone, I deserved friends, right?  I remember one night standing in my apartment at the stove.  My friends were coming by to get me and we were going out.  This was the first time I was going out with them other than after the gym.  I didn’t have a good feeling about it.  I had been walking around the apartment having a conversation with myself and God….explaining why I should go out with these people.  It went along the lines of needing friends, it wasn’t good for me to be by myself all the time, I was lonely….oh I could go on and on.

 

     As I was standing at the stove, cleaning the top of it (this is something I do when I am a bit anxious), I heard that voice deep in my soul……the one I come to recognize.  It said don’t go with this group.  Oh I knew it was God, but He was not saying what I wanted to hear.  I heard them drive up, blow the horn….I stood there hesitating and I remember saying, “God I really want to go.”  I left the rag I was cleaning with, turned around and ran out the door.

     Have you ever done something and know you should not have done it?  I jumped in the car that night; there was a new person, who was that……I started laughing with them as we drove down the road.  It was like I left God on the back burner of that stove.  It was all a huge mistake.  God doesn’t tell us something just to give us a hard time.  He knows what is best for us.  He loves us and wants good things for us.   I should have listened to God.  If there is ever anything in my life I regret, this was it.  I just said no to God or I just thought it would be ok for right now and I would come back to Him later. 

     Life doesn’t work like that.  I laughed that night.  I talked and talked to this new guy in the car.  He was a pilot.  I really didn’t want to go out with a pilot.  I had seen some things the pilots did, some bad decisions they made in their personal life when they were away from their families.  I really knew the whole thing was wrong, but I DID IT ANYWAY.  Why do we do that?

     I did not understand at that time, that trusting God completely, in every area of life was the best for me.  You see, as I said earlier, I wanted to get married again.  I wanted to settle down again, have that family, the little house with the white picket fence and 2 car garage. I wanted to have children, well one at least.

     Relationships!  I didn’t understand them and I was about to fall right back into the only way I knew to deal with them; pleasing at all cost, having an unhealthy dependency on them, looking at people (especially a man) to tell me that I was OK.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I look to relationships (especially men) to tell me I was loved, accepted and valued.  Remember earlier when I said I looked to my husband to meet my needs in ways that only God could?  Well that is all I knew……I was about to look to another man to meet my needs, but God was going to show me a different way….a different path.

     The young man in the car that night was a bit younger than me and he made me laugh.  When our evening was finished, he asked if he could see me again.  I said yes.  Before long we were seeing each other every day and it didn’t take me long to see he only wanted to have a good time.  He was not interested in any committed relationship, much less marriage.  I remember having that pain wrenching feeling inside my chest again.  It was similar to when my husband had left me and didn’t want to be married to me any longer.

 

     What was it?  Rejection?  I didn’t know, but I wanted to make it feel better and I tried the only way I knew; trying to make him accept me, to like me better, to think I was good enough for him.  Oh I hated the feelings; I hated that pain in my chest, so I would try harder.  I knew how to do that.  I had done it before and I could do it again…over and over….harder and harder.

     There were so many times this man humiliated me, left me standing at parties while he flirted and laughed with other women.  Did I tell him to stop?  Did I leave him?  No, what would I do?  You guessed it; I would try harder to make him like me.  Did God create us to be doormats?  No!  He created us to speak truth in love…why didn’t I tell him to stop or I would set boundaries?

     I guess I didn’t know how.  You see I was too wrapped up in trying to get this person’s approval, because that would say to me I was OK; I mattered.  OR I thought it would. 

     I continued to see this man for almost 2 years.  I was almost destroyed by this time.  I remembered those words standing at the stove….don’t go Teresa.  Oh I wished I had listened.  All the wonderful years I had had exploring, seeing the world, traveling and learning more about myself and the world God created; all the things God had taught me.  I had not been interested in meeting someone, I was just having fun and I felt like it had been a gift from God.

 

     I was 30 though and thought it was time to settle down because I was getting older; but the same problems arose again with relationships.  God what was wrong with me?  I kept asking Him this question.  I saw myself repeating patterns over and over that were not working; I knew something was not right and I needed God to show me truth.

     I was about to start down another path, a different one…….I had much to learn. 

Desires of Your Heart

As I sat this past week and looked out over the North Sea (I can look at any sea forever!), I couldn't help but think back to these stories I am writing.  It is hard for me to comprehend where I was then and where I am today.  

I had been so scare of God, I didn't know who He was; and because I didn't know who He was, I didn't know who I was or who other people were.  We are His joy, His delight; He created humanity and wants us to live way He knows we were made to live.  He loves us and sees when we try to do things our own way, without Him, it is only defeating who we are.  We were made to come alive in Him, we were not made to live alone.  He loves us and He came after us even when we did not know we needed Him; He entered into our world to show us the truth about Him, ourselves and others.  We realise our full potential when we know these truths.

And the most amazing thing I came to see is He is not a monster and He even wants to give us the desires of our heart.  In number 6 I want to share some of the desires of my heart He met. 

Trusting is An Adventure!

     As I sit here, look out over the Black Sea and read this God Story #5, I am overwhelmed.  All those years ago when I   sensed God say, "I will take you on another path" I was scared.  Scared of everything changing, it was not what I had planned for my life and I didn't understand any of it!  

     Now as I look back and see the path He took me on, I am overwhelmed!  So much more than I could have imagined and to think I thought life was over, I was ready to die.

     But it has truly been an adventure; not always easy, sometimes downright difficult, but an adventure.  As I stare out over the sea here on the east coast of Scotland, I have such a thankful, grateful heart.  I have seen so much, done so much, met so many people and come to see who I am, who my Creator is and grasping more and more about the community of humanity God wanted.  Could I have done that if my husband had not walked out that door all those years ago?  I don't know, I am not saying God caused it to happen to teach me; but did He allow it and worked it all out for my highest and best?  I think so.  I am so glad I decided to trust Him when I couldn't see anything good in front of me and part of what I want to do with these God stories is encourage you that no matter where you are right now .....you can trust your Creator too.  He cares about you and wants your highest and best also!

Dependency

Dependency

     I couldn’t believe I was just about to do this.  I walked into the gas station.  A man sitting on a stool jumped up and asked if he could help me.  I was about to cry.  I said to the man, “I know this is a self-serve gas station and I will be happy to self-serve, but I don’t know how.  If you can show me how to do it, I promise I will always come to this station and self-serve in the future.”  He stared at me.  I knew I was going to cry.  He kind of laughed, but said come on.  He walked to the door, opened it, let me out first and we walked to the pumps.  He was so nice.  He showed me how to put gas in my car.  My husband had always told me self-serve was the best way to go; I told the man what he had always said.  He agreed.  I learned how to put gas in my car and I always went to that gas station. 

     I didn’t know how to write a check.  I had to open an account.  My husband and I were separated and I had to have my own bank account.  I walked into the bank.  It was a bit intimidating, everyone looked so important.  I walked over to a desk where this lady sat.  She asked what I wanted and invited me to take a chair.  I waited for about 20 minutes.  I was nervous.  Finally this man stepped out of an office and invited me inside.  I sat down in another chair.  He said, “I understand you want to open an account?”  I told him I had never been inside a bank.  I was 24.  He stared for a moment and then said, “Well let me show you how we open this account.”  Thank you God.

     I had lived in one city all my life.  It was a very small city in North Carolina.  It was a beautiful place; I thought it was the only place in the whole world.  I had a friend that lived in Virginia.  She invited me to visit with her.  That sounded so nice to me.  I needed to spend some time with her.  She called to give me directions to her house.  She started at some highway north of where I lived.  I interrupted her as she was talking and said, “Carolyn, I need for you to start from my driveway.  I have never left this town and don’t know how to get to this highway.”  There was silence.  After a few minutes she said, “Sure, let’s start at the beginning.”  I was so thankful.

     It was the end of the year.  Someone told me I had to file taxes and if I didn’t, I could go to jail.  How was I to do that?  I found out an accountant could do them.  I drove up Main Street looking for an accountant.  There it was a sign with a name and accountant written beside it.  I parked the car in front of the building gathered together all this paper in my front seat and put it in a big yellow envelope.  The paper was sticking out everywhere.  I walked into the office.  I waited for a while; finally the secretary told me I could go into this office.  I walked in with this big yellow envelope in my hands.  A man looked up from his desk.  I knew I was going to cry.  He asked if he could help me.  I walked over to his desk, dropped the yellow envelope on top of it and all the papers went everywhere.  I said, “I understand I need to file tax returns, but I don’t know how.  I don’t even understand what I was supposed to bring to you, but here is a bunch of stuff.  I am sorry to be so much trouble, but can you please help me?”  He stared at me for a few minutes, then reached over to the telecom, spoke to his secretary and cancelled his afternoon appointments.  He told me to sit down.  This man helped me for over 5 hours that day.  He told me many years later that he could not get over the look on my face and something deep inside told him to help me.  Thank you God.  Thank you Steve.

     When my husband left me, I didn’t know what to do.  I had been with him since I was 15 and I was very dependent on him…..for everything!  I was physically dependent on him, emotionally and mentally.  I didn’t know how to do the simplest things for myself. 

     Shortly after the separation I met God.  He was taking me down a different path than the one I thought I was going to walk down in life.  He had some things to show me as went though.

 

     He showed me many of the things I depended on my husband for, I needed to depend on Him for.  We are all created with needs; the need to be loved, accepted and valued.  But He alone was met to meet these needs; of course it would be through community, but He was the Source.  My husband had a lot of responsibility, more than he was met to have.  He couldn’t meet these needs and it wasn’t right to ask him to do it.  I am sorry I did this to him.

     God created us and He alone knows how we work the best.  He will work through people in our lives to meet our needs, but we must seek Him first and trust Him.  We need to lay down all the ways we have tried to meet those needs.  It was so hard for me to trust God when my husband left.  I had always looked to him for approval; he told me if I was OK.  But God had already said in His word that when I was not OK, He made a way for me to be OK through His Son, Jesus Christ.  Because of Jesus, I now had God’s approval and I didn’t need to get that constantly through a person.

     Oh it didn’t feel right though.  It felt so wrong.  I knew my worth was in my husband and what he thought of me and now that he was gone; there was nothing.  But that was not what God’s Word said to me.  He said that I was His child, that He loved me, accepted and valued me.  I would read and read His Word trying to understand.  Someone finally told me that if I waited till I felt like it, I would never do it.  I needed to make a choice.  That word choice, I never really thought of myself having a choice with anything.  I always look to other people to tell me what to do.  But God was telling me to make a choice and then He would deal with my feelings.

 

     I made that choice.  Sometime I made it over and over, a thousand times a day.  Every time my feelings said no, I would make that choice again.  I would say, “God, I choose to believe you, regardless of what I feel.”  It was such baby steps at first, but I was depending on God, I was receiving from Jesus.  I was trusting God.

     God was helping me so much.  He was with me, even when I had no idea.  As I look back on all these times of learning how to do things; putting gas in my car, writing a check, driving and handling taxes; God was there.  Oh I didn’t feel it at that time; I was scared to death, but look at even the people He put in my life.  He showed me grace.

     Today I am much more aware of God and I have come a long way in my journey with Him, but it is still a moment-by-moment receiving from Him.  I can’t do it the way I always did it in the past.  Oh I wish sometime I could put together a formula from my early years and then follow it all throughout my life, but would that be dependency on God or dependency on the formula?  I think you know the answer! 

     The only formula in the Bible is receiving from God; looking to Him in each situation, hearing His voice and obeying.

Scripture: Matthew 6:33

Hearing God

I have started a collection of stories about transformation – from a woman whose heart was broken, but brought back to life when she met God. It is about the story God tells in all our lives. It is about humanity, and it is about the world.  It is about how an awareness of God changes and infuses everything; how it makes a difference in everyday life. These stories are snapshots of a woman learning to be everything she was created to be and participate with God in His mission in this world. 

They will be stories about love, redemption, hope, forgiveness, trust and reconciliation. As you read – the broken parts, the secret parts and the beautiful parts – my prayer is that the Gospel will come alive to you; the transforming story of what God does in a human heart. Maybe it will be stories that change your life.

This is number 3 - Hearing God.  If you haven't read the last 2, I encourage you to go back and read them; maybe God can minister to you through them - my prayer.

I Have To Forgive!?

I Have To Forgive!?   

     

     I walked out the door.  It slammed.  I couldn’t believe she said that to me.  I have to forgive him?  He was the one that lied, he was unfaithful, I found him with another woman and she is telling me to forgive.  That is crazy!  I walked down the driveway, got in my car and left the house.

     I had known Betty Ann for awhile.  She worked part time in the pediatrician office that I worked in.  The place where I had gone to when I thought it would help my marriage if I stopped working so many hours and spent more time with my husband.  I talked to her a little bit, but didn’t really know her.

 

     When my husband and I separated, I realized I needed more money, so I got a job in the Operating Room in the hospital.  I was leaving the pediatrician office.  I would miss the girls; we had all become very close.  On my last day, they gave me a party.  Betty Ann was there.  As I was saying good bye to everyone, Betty Ann came up to me, gave me a hug and put something in my uniform pocket.  She whispered in my ear that it was her phone number, if I ever needed her to call and do not hesitate.  What?  I hardly knew her.  I would never call her.

     I was working in the operating room one day.  Because this was a specialty and I was new; I was assigned to work with another registered nurse.  The lady I was working with scared me a little bit.  She had a very strong personality and was very outspoken.  On this particular day, I could not think clearly.  I had been out of work for about 2 weeks.  You see a few weeks before I had walked into my house and discovered my husband with another woman.  I was devastated and for the past few weeks had been in bed, not able to get up.

     I really couldn’t believe I had not been fired.  But what was I going to do?  I couldn’t think clearly.  I just kept seeing the picture of my husband with this woman.

 

     I was helping the doctor with a patient, he was talking to me, and I couldn’t hear him.  His mouth was moving, but I just couldn’t hear what he was saying.  Finally the doctor yelled to get me out of the room.  The nurse I was working with escorted me out of the room quickly.  She took me to a closet, put me in a chair and told me not to move.

 

     I have no idea how long I sat there.  Later the lady came into the closet, sat down beside me, told me to look at her.  Her words penetrated through the haze of pain.  She said, “Teresa, I don’t know what you are going through.  I know it must be painful.  I can see it on your face.  But I am here to tell you right now, that if you don’t get it together, you will be fired.  I don’t want to see that happen, you are a good nurse.”  She told me to go home for the rest of the day.

     I wondered up to the front of the operating room section of the hospital.  What was I going to do?  I couldn’t lose my job?  How would I live?  I remember ringing my hands together, agonizing with this haze of pain all around me.  I put my hands in the pocket of my uniform.  I felt something and pulled it out of my pocket.  It was a piece of paper and it had something on it.  I tried to read it, couldn’t quite make it out.  I looked closer.  It was Betty Ann’s phone number.  How many times had I washed this uniform? 

     

     I found a phone, picked up the receiver, stared at the number and dialed.  Why was I doing this?  A woman’s voice answered.  I do not know exactly what I said to her.  She told me years later I was crying and saying I don’t know why I am calling you, but I don’t know what I am going to do.  Betty Ann asked where I was.  I told her the hospital.  She asked when I would finish work.  I told her they told me leave now.  She said come on over.

     I don’t remember driving to her house, but I got there.  I walked up to her door and knocked.  This lady opened the door and let me in.  She hugged me and I cried.  She took me to a large, cozy chair by the window, sat me down and I cried.  She sat beside me in another large, cozy chair.  She let me cry.

 

     After a while, she got up and made tea.  She made soup.  She didn’t ask me any questions that day; she just took care of me physically and let me grieve.

 

     I continued to go see Betty Ann.  I was drawn to her.  I felt such peace with her and in her house; in that big chair by the window.  What was it about her?  She had such a peaceful face and she smiled.

     I asked her one day about it.  She talked to me about Jesus.  I told her I had accepted Christ when I was 14, but never knew who He was.  I didn’t understand what she had, could she tell me more.

     She was happy to.  I went to her house every day after I left the hospital.  She welcomed me, let me sit in the cozy chair, offer me all kinds of food and told me about Jesus.  She would read to me from the Bible. 

     One day I asked her, “How do I get rid of this terrible pain that makes my chest hurt.  Will it ever go away?”  This is the day she told me about forgiveness.  This is the day I stormed out of her house.

 

     How was this possible?  My husband had been the one that left our marriage, he was the one seeing another woman, he was the one that said he didn’t love me anymore; what did Betty Ann mean I had to forgive him?

     I had been reading the Bible a little.  Betty Ann told me it was Jesus’ words.  It was a letter to us and it was how we were to live.  One night after I had been angry for days, I walked around the house thinking about Betty Ann’s words; Teresa the only way you will be free is to forgive your husband, released him to God.  I found my Bible.  It was so new; I could hardly turn the pages.  I got up in the middle of my bed and I was going to find somewhere in this Bible where Jesus said you did not have to forgive a man you had hurt me like my husband had hurt me.  I knew it had to be there.  I searched and searched….all night.

     It was around 3 in the morning and I remember crying out to God (still not really sure where He was), “It has to be here.  What do you mean about this forgiveness?  I was the one hurt.  I am still hurting.  He is running around doing what he shouldn’t be doing.  God help me understand.”

     I opened my Bible to Matthew and I saw where this disciple, Peter, asked Jesus how many times he had to forgive his brother; up to seven times?  Jesus actually said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

     What?  I just couldn’t find where Jesus said it was OK to not forgive your husband when he lied to you, betrayed you, broke a covenant with you, rejected and hurt you beyond any pain you had ever known.

 

     I had to go see Betty Ann.  Would she let me come over again?  I had not been very nice.  I left without saying good-bye.  She was my only hope.  The next afternoon when I left the hospital, I drove to her house; very slowly I parked the car and went up to the door.  I was afraid she would say leave, but she opened the door, gave me a big hug, and escorted me to my favorite chair by the window.  She made tea and asked if I wanted something to eat.

     Who was this woman?  I didn’t know it at the time, but she reflected the character of her Savior to me.  I was drawn to her and wanted to know more about this Jesus and what He had to say about forgiveness.

 

     I think one of the most amazing things she said to me that day was that forgiving someone was not saying what they did was OK.  It was saying that what you did to me hurt, it made me feel this way or that way, I didn’t like it and I am angry with you.  But I am going to make a choice, by the act of my will, to forgive you because it is what Jesus tells me do.  It is what He did with me and I trust you God to work this out in me, to make it a reality, to give me the mind of Christ, to heal my damaged emotions and line them up with the truth I choose to believe.

     Betty Ann told me that I may not understand it right then, but there was an enemy of my soul and he did not want me to live in freedom; that he would remind me over and over of the incident, but I was to give it right to Jesus.  She told me to memorize some Scripture and repeat it over and over when these thoughts or the picture that continued to haunt me came up.

     The next day I was running an operating room with 5 cases.  That meant 5 patients I had to take care of, it meant 5 sets of scrub nurses, 5 sets of doctors and 5 sets of anesthesiologist..  I was dealing with life and death moment by moment.  I believe that day the thoughts and picture of my husband with another woman came to my mind 5000 times.  Each time, I would say I have forgiven, I give this to Jesus and I would quote a Scripture.  The Scripture I had memorized was from Philippians 4…..”Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer, supplication and thanksgiving make my request known to God.  And the peace of God that passes human understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.  Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, right, just and pure think on these things and the peace of God will be with you.”

     I remember once a doctor asked me what I was saying.  It was constant that day and many days after this.  I am not sure exactly when it was, but I didn’t have to do it so much anymore; the picture was less and less.  I can describe it like a giant hole in my heart and someway, somehow, God filled it up.  I guess with His peace, love, grace and mercy.  I am not saying I forgot, but the pain, the emotion was not so agonizing; my heart didn’t hurt as much as before.

     I remember the last time I saw my husband, I told him I forgave him.  He looked at me and asked how could I even look at him, much less forgive him.  I told him the only way I knew was God.

     I want to dedicate what I have just written to this lady, Betty Ann.  God brought her into my life and ministered to me through her.  She is a picture of Jesus to me; and her life, her obedience to God, her love, caring and sacrificing of herself saved my life.  You see if I had not forgiven my husband, I would still be in bondage to him.  He would still be controlling me.  I would not have been able to walk down a different path with God.

     Our lives make a difference.  Betty Ann’s made a difference.  Thank you my sweet Betty Ann.

     Is there anyone you need to forgive today?  Release them and release yourself.  Jesus came so we can walk in freedom.  Forgiveness is freedom.

 

Scriptures:  Matthew 18: 21 - 35,    Philippians 4: 6 - 8